- Nov 26, 2022
- 7 min read
Updated: Jan 29
Bonus list! I’ve already told you 29 things I’ve learned and 29 things I hope to learn, but there’s one more list I wanted to share: 29 songs for 29 years.
So honestly, I just love an opportunity to share music with others. I adore music, have had the Spotify Premium subscription for years and everything! But if you ask me what sort of music I like, my brain goes utterly blank.
Basically, this list is that summary of what sort of music I like. I like music that makes me feel something. That hums inside me and meets some resonant frequency of my soul. That’s not exactly a genre, but I doubt it’s dissimilar to the way a lot of people listen to music.
So here’s my list. 29(ish) songs for 29 years. Also, I made it a Spotify playlist if you wanted to check any of the songs out! (Note: Some of the songs are explicit. If you navigate to the Spotify playlist, Spotify will note which ones specifically.)
Music from Musicals, TV Shows, etc.
1. The music of Hadestown (esp. “Flowers” by Eva Noblezada (Eurydice))
I haven’t actually seen Hadestown yet but I am planning on going to see it next year and I’m PUMPED. You know, to have my heart broken. It is the story of Orpheus and Eurydice, after all. The song in particular I’m recommending here is immensely melancholy and I adore singing along to it.
I never claimed to be normal.
2. “Be Strong and Hit Stuff” by Jeff Williams, Casey Lee Williams (RWBY Vol. 8 Soundtrack)
This song has the lyric that’s been my motto for the last year: “in time you will grow/but that doesn’t mean you’re not already whole.” Also, it’s from RWBY and about the character of Nora and so I love everything surrounding this song as well.
3. The music of The Last Five Years (esp. “The Schmuel Song” by Jeremy Jordan (Jamie))
This musical is just really cool storytelling. But if I have time to just watch one scene (in the film version), it’s Jamie singing “The Schmuel Song.” It’s joy and it’s fun and it’s love.
4. “Welcome to the Internet” by Bo Burnham (better yet, just go watch Inside on Netflix)
This special is utterly brilliant. And brutal. Watch the whole thing if you haven’t (though it does cover some heavy topics which may not be suitable for all viewers). But “Welcome to the Internet” somehow encapsulates what it feels like to have grown up in such a tumultuous time of change for this technology.
5. “It’s My Turn” (feat. Casey Lee Williams) by Jeff Williams (RWBY Vol. 3 Soundtrack)
There are a handful of songs from RWBY that I know most if not all the words to. I think this is one of my favorites among them.
6. The music of Hamilton (esp. “Satisfied” by Renee Elise Goldsberry (Angelica Schuyler))
I’m certainly not the first person to say Hamilton is phenomenal. If you have Disney Plus, go watch it. The storytelling presented through the music only gets better and better with each listen. “Satisfied” is particularly powerful but in a musical full of phenomenal music, it’s impossible to pick favorites.
7. “Endless Possibility” (cover by NateWantsToBattle) (originally trailer theme for Sonic Unleashed)
The music of the Sonic the Hedgehog games in the 2000s was a huge reason I became a fan. With Sonic Adventure 2 starting with the absolute BANGER of “City Escape,” which even non-Sonic fans will start screaming the words of, I was hooked from the start.
But you’ll notice that’s not the song I’m recommending here. Instead, “Endless Possibility” was the background music for the Sonic Unleashed trailer. I spent years trying to figure out how I could buy the song. Even when a buch of Sonic music dropped on iTunes and later on Spotify, this song was missing, even when other music from the game was present.
Then, recently, I happened across a cover of the song by NateWantsToBattle. The rendition of the song is just as good as the original and fills me up with joy in the same way.
8. The music of Finding Neverland (esp. “Stronger” by Matthew Morrison (J.M. Barrie))
My undergraduate thesis was on the story of Peter Pan so its no wonder that I was so excited to see the musical Finding Neverland shortly after I graduated. Even better, the focus of the musical is so much on finding your voice in writing and being unafraid to use it. Since I saw the musical at a time of intense imposter syndrome, that was especially important. The song “Stronger” especially encapsulates that.
Music that is very specific to my novels
9. “Lung” by Vancouver Sleep Clinic
I had this song pretty much on repeat when I was working on the third book of my first original trilogy. I’m not sure particularly why this song, other than the vibes.
10. “I Love You, But I Need Another Year” by Liza Anne
When I was writing my first original novel, my friend challenged me to better understand the relationship between two of my characters. This song is that relationship. I will never be able to listen to this song without thinking about them again.
11. “Collapse” by Anchor & Braille
Anchor & Braille I discovered at a time when I was writing a very particular book, a sequel that will now logically not happen in the series, after the first book was dramatically changed. But I will always connect this band with that book and that series as a whole now.
12. “What If It Doesn’t End Well” by chloe moriondo
I’m very much a person who looks for music to help me write. Lately, this one has been helping me with the most recent novel I’m editing. It’s hopeful but pessimistic which feels so much like my protagonist.
13. “Persephone in the Garden” by Aidoneus
Oh, look! Another song that enabled me to write! This is for the novel whose first draft I most recently finished. That novel is a bit inspired by the myth of Hades and Persephone so a song like this being an inspiration was inevitable.
Music that I relate to as a writer
14. “Say It Louder” by Panic! At the Disco
This is one of the newer songs on this list. A fantastically triumphant song, this one I love because it reminds me so much of finding my voice in writing.
15. “Tip Toes” by half-alive
This one I have a very distinct memory of driving home from work and really paying attention to this song and its lyrics. In particular, what resonated with me was the idea the song proposed of pushing past ego to find what is really of greatest value in life.
Music that I relate to as a person
16. “Roses/Lotus/Violet/Iris” by Hayley Williams
This a beautiful song about comparing yourself to others that I first heard when I was unlearning just that. I come back to it every time I find myself falling into the black hole of comparison.
17. “Carnivore” by Bear Attack!
I allowed myself to have a single angry song on this list. This is that single angry song. A song about being hurt by someone and learning to walk away. I like to scream along with this one in the car (sorry to any nearby drivers, whether or not my windows are open). Also, it’s super influential to the same story as I mentioned when bringing up “What If It Doesn’t End Well.”
18. “marjorie” by Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift dropped this beautiful song about the same time my grandmother went into memory care. I helped sort through my grandmother’s three rooms of clothing. And when Taylor Swift called her own grandmother’s closet “a closet full of backlogged dreams,” I broke.
I still break.
But then I start to understand.
19. “Atonement” by Anberlin
This is the song that contributed the lyrics I used on my college graduation cap: “I love where I’ve been [...] but my heart’s where I’m going.”
20. “Locking Up the Sun” by Poets of the Fall
I wouldn’t know about the band Poets of the Fall if not for being part of the Sonic fandom, even though the band literally has no relation to Sonic. Instead, being part of a fandom in the early 2000s, I made friends online. Since I was a middle schooler as well, this coincided with a time period when I was trying to define the type of music I liked. And I was struggling to find music that I truly loved. So when my online friends brought up music they liked, I would look it up too. Poets of the Fall was one of those bands.
This was actually the first song of theirs that I listened to, though certainly not the last.
Music that just has excellent vibes
21. “Arms Unfolding” by dodie
This song is a careful breath, a second chance, being hurt and unfolding your arms once more. This is me relearning myself after the angry songs.
22. “When” by dodie
There are days when I listen to the words in this song and relate to so many. Always a good reminder.
23. “The Lightning Strike” by Snow Patrol
Do you have about 16 minutes? Then have I got a song for you! The storytelling in this song is unlike anything else I’ve ever heard.
24. “Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve” by Taylor Swift
I told myself I could only pick one song from Midnights since it’s my current obsession. So this is that one (technically, it’s from the 3 AM version). The turns of phrase are both unpredictable and inevitable which is my favorite sort of writing.
25. “Part II” by Paramore
This song is actually a continuation (response?) to an earlier Paramore song “Let the Flames Begin.” I loved that song to start with, was especially obsessed with this song in high school, so when “Part II” dropped as a more vulnerable version of the thought, I paid attention.
26. “An Olive Grove Facing the Sea” by Snow Patrol (the rendition from Up to Now)
Just gorgeous. Pure feeling. A great song to melt into.
27. “The Last Time” by Juniper Vale
Juniper Vale is such a cool music project where all the songs are intended to tell a story of a particular character, a character designed for this specific project. There’s art associated with it that’s really beautiful. Definitely worth digging into.
28. “Amen” by Amber Run
Oof, this song is a brutal listen. I won’t pretend it’s a happy one. But it is raw emotion and beautiful storytelling.
29. “The Hearse (Stripped)” by Matthew Maeson
Another song with beautiful vibes.
…
Again, I’ve got a playlist on Spotify built if you wanted to listen along. Try one or two of the songs or listen to the whole thing to figure out which songs you might want to snag for your own playlists!
Works Cited
Anberlin. “Atonement.” Lowborn, Tooth & Nail Records, 2014. Spotify, open.spotify.com/track/7N2uDrFW4OtxfWLuP96XQV?si=32bf8cb648094e12.
Swift, Taylor. “marjorie.” evermore, Taylor Swift, 2020, track 13. Spotify, open.spotify.com/track/12ntTeqEeTg7GAVpe8Mhpl?si=1c15b8dd236b4c20.
Williams, Jeff, Various, and Casey Williams. “Be Strong and HIt Stuff.” RWBY, Vol. 8 (Music from the Rooster Teeth Series), Rooster Teeth Productions, 2021, track 3. Spotify, open.spotify.com/track/11utxTIgUfJaqpePfiVcdz?si=33f78c6a2e444927.
- Nov 19, 2022
- 2 min read
Like I mentioned last week, as I turn 29 this month, there has been so much I’ve learned in my 29 years. But there is so much left for me to learn. Things I’ve started to learn and want to learn but I haven’t finished convincing myself of just yet.
This list is a bit more abbreviated, just a list without explanations, because I am still learning these pieces of myself. But I wanted to make this list, even in imperfection. It seemed important to give words to the feelings I am still trying to process. And it seemed important to show myself how much life still stands before me.
Like I’ve learned in my 29 years, there is so much left to learn. I am not done growing. And here is proof:
How to stop comparing myself to others.
How to be okay with whatever pace my life takes.
How to say no. And how not to.
The fear of loss does not make loving less worthwhile.
Sometimes, you can’t protect yourself from hurt, no matter what you do.
Life cannot be measured. Not with years. Not with progress.
There is no such thing as a normal life.
Take time to just be.
What I want my life to be.
How to avoid the poison parts of my addictive personality - stop playing the game when it stops being fun, stop eating the candy if you don’t like it anymore.
You don’t have to understand every inside joke, every change in slang, every piece of news to be a part of the conversation.
How to avoid wasting time on people who don’t want the best for you.
Patience.
How to not feel ashamed every time I spend money.
How to feel confident in my skin more days than not.
I am good enough.
How to take a day off.
How to wake up in the morning feeling at peace (instead of the chaos of anxiety I feel now)
Not everyone has to love you.
How to not shame myself for mistakes I make.
How to not depend on others to define my self-worth.
How to establish a sustainable and mentally-healthy work-life balance
How to make better coffee at home.
To make more art
When my ambition makes me more unhappy than happy.
How to travel (when I decide I want to)
How to not be constantly tired
How not to plan too far ahead
Passable Polish
Truly, if you’ve never written a list like this, do it. I recommend it. Recognize how far you’ve come and how much further you would like to travel. You can’t reach a destination without a destination in mind.
And there are clearly many more places I wish to go.
- Nov 12, 2022
- 11 min read
There’s something about my birthday that reminds me that I’m a writer. I think it’s the fact that birthdays tend to make us introspective and when I get introspective, my words spill out over the page. At that point, might as well share what I’ve got, since I’ve gone through the work of translating the messiness of a thoughtful, spiraling consciousness into a comprehensive string of words that another human being might stand a chance of translating into a meaningful thought.
Anyway, I turn 29 this month. My first blog post was in relation to my 28th birthday, so it seems only natural to want to commemorate my 29th the same way. The blog I wrote regarding my 28th birthday was on the fear of falling behind, of the years passing me by so fast and feeling like I was swimming through molasses beneath them, trying to keep up and failing. As I turn 29, I’m not here to tell you I’ve grown past those feelings. It’s been a year and while I’ve grown and changed, I’m still the same person.
But that doesn’t mean I haven’t learned a ton. Not just in the last year but in the 29 years of my life. And to prove it to myself, I wrote down just 29 of the things I have learned.
1. I am both soft and hard. Not in the middle necessarily but wildly swinging as necessary.
As a little kid, my favorite color was pink and I had a “princess” aesthetic going on in my bedroom. But when I was 6, all the girls around me were playing soccer and softball and the most popular favorite color was blue. So I followed suit.
It took me years to learn I didn’t have to do something just because everyone else was doing it. And even longer to figure out that I could participate on both ends of the sporty-frilly spectrum.
I am both soft and hard. I love wearing dresses and the color pink. I also love wearing the looks with combat boots. I love going boxing only to return home and cuddle a kitty. Life is too short and too wild to limit the experience by being only one thing with the time you have.
2. My dreams don’t have to be the same as someone else’s dreams.
I want to be a writer. That usurps most of the choices in my life. The first question I always ask when I face a decision is: “How does this impact my dreams?”
It means my goals and ambitions may be a different than the average of those surrounding me. That doesn’t make them less.
3. Impressing someone else never outweighs my need to be true to myself.
There are still days I need to remind myself what I want. By existing in the world, you hear a lot of voices telling you what you should want. The fancy house. The break at the beach. Every streaming service or the more expensive line of clothes. I should want to be at the top of my field or the time working is ill-spent.
Those voices are sometimes louder in my head than my own.
So I come back to this lesson when I grow lost. I ask myself what I want and what matters to me. And it’s hard. It’s still hard. But it’s my life.
4. Love is all that matters.
Why do we cry at funerals? Why do we get married? Why have kids or adopt a pet? What will you be proudest of at the end of your life?
Love. It’s love. It’s always been love.
5. The way someone thinks of you does not outweigh the truth of you.
Like most human beings, I hate yearly reviews. I want to be graded but only if I’m being told I’m the best thing since sliced bread. Anything even a fraction less sends me spiraling. I’m too invested in wanting to be loved by literally everyone, no exceptions.
But sometimes, someone won’t love you. Sometimes, someone will actually think very little of you. And you will have to swallow that hatred.
But it does not change the truth of who you are. You are not less because someone thinks less of you.
6. I must be a novelist.
Writing is the way the world makes sense to me. When there is nonsense or tragedy, I string it together into a shape I can comprehend. But sometimes, that shape is an absurdly elaborate metaphor that requires well over 200 pages.
I must be a novelist.
7. There are some types of progress you cannot measure.
I drew for the first time in years in the last year. I also DNF’d (did not finish) books I didn’t like. Both of these things were incredible demonstrations of progress in learning myself and being brave enough to be that person. Neither of these things were measurable. But they were progress.
8. Life is best spent wildly joyful.
No matter who you are or what you do, someone will find a reason to dislike you. As a child (and even now, let’s be honest), I was/am a fan of Sonic the Hedgehog. It made me feel alive and free and wildly joyful to be a fan of something like that. People disliked me for that, made fun of me for that, didn’t want to play with me for that, so I tamped down that joy.
What an awful way to live that was.
Be brave enough to be wildly joyful. It is an act of rebellion that you deserve.
9. Take more pictures than you think you need.
In high school, I told myself I didn’t want to take too many pictures, because it took me away from living in the moment. Now, I don’t have a lot of pictures of high school and a lot of the memories outside the biggest moments have faded.
I graduated high school fewer than 10 years ago and this is already happening.
I took more pictures in 2020 and 2021 than I ever did in high school. And when I get mixed up and muddled over my memories of lockdown, I scroll through the pictures. Reflect on how much I’ve grown and how much I’ve experienced and how grateful I am for those things.
Take the picture. It crystalizes the moment.
10. A constant low-level anger stirring inside you is an awful way to live.
Have you seen the world? A lot of it kind of sucks. There’s so much hate. There’s so much fear. And for a long time, I dealt with that through anger. After all, how can you process all of the world without at least the low hum of anger inside of you?
You only have one life, though. And you can’t make the world better by being mad at it.
11. Failure is not always bad and success is not always good.
In high school, I applied to my dream part-time job and didn’t get it. It broke my heart. But it gave me the opportunity to try out for show choir. And make it. A dream I had hardly dared to dream.
In 2019, I made the goal to write over 500 hours and succeeded. By writing a very important story wrong so many times that I gave up writing it. Then, a year after giving up on the novel, I accidentally found the way to fix it. It took far fewer than 500 hours.
Failure is not always bad. Success is not always good. Keep learning about yourself in these moments.
12. When they say “you never stop learning,” wow they were right.
I read a lot more nonfiction now than I ever did growing up. The job I do now at work is not one I learned about in college. I spend everyday learning more about myself and how to arrange that person.
On the bright side, no midterms.
13. It’s okay to change your plans.
I don’t mind cancelled plans. As long as I’m not the one cancelling them. If I planned to work out tonight but I got sick, I am at times inconsolable. I don’t adapt well to changed plans that feel like personal failure.
I am learning to forgive myself for changing my plans and for being a human being.
14. You’re pretty without makeup. Also, that isn’t invalidated if you still want to wear it.
I used to wear makeup to look pretty. Now, I wear makeup to feel pretty. There’s a difference. In the first version, I wouldn’t go out without makeup on. Now, I go out either way. But wow, glitter eyeshadow is fun.
15. You don’t have to finish everything you start.
At some point, in some series of circumstances, I learned that I needed to finish what I started to be a good person. It wasn’t true.
In college, I joined a co-ed scholastic fraternity for all the wrong reasons. I had free time, I wanted letters on my sweatshirt, etc. By my second year as part of the fraternity, I realized I hated it because my heart ached to be elsewhere. I realized I was counting down the days until college graduation so that I could be done with it.
Then I learned I could resign and not be a bad person. Honestly, this was the most important thing I learned in college.
16. The societal definitions of “growing up” are stupid. The real definitions are amazing.
Grow up (according to the society expectations in my head): Get a job, don’t watch cartoons, get a house, get a spouse, get a kid, go on impressive trips, meet impressive people, die rich, be remembered.
Grow up (a more true definition): Be responsible for yourself, ask questions, be curious, love yourself and the world and demonstrate that by taking care of things, figure out what you need and what you want and when those things are worth it, love and love and love
17. Buy the giant plush toy.
Enough said. The amount of joy you have doing this is enough explanation.
18. Racism and sexism and prejudice are not just concepts studied in history that feel like “once upon a time.” They are real and present and need paid attention.
Like a lot of people, I grew up relatively privileged, in the sense that I had a safe space to live and food to eat and I didn’t have to think too much about racism and sexism, to the point that I thought that they were little more than topics in social studies.
Not true.
Even as I did face sexism, at the very least to a casual extent, as a child, I had to learn prejudice is very real and present. As it turns out, those conversations are still going on, will continue going on. I’ve read books that continue to educate me on how society was constructed to support prejudice. I’m still learning.
Keep listening. Keep learning.
19. Your most prized possessions are rarely your most expensive.
I have a list of the things I would save in a fire. I don’t know why this is the sort of thing I think about to relax in the evening, but that’s where my brain takes me. Obviously, me and my cat make the list. But then the list gets more interesting. The only reason I’d save my laptop is to save my novels.
And then there’s this tiny little toy that is the last thing my grandfather gifted me before he passed away.
My list is very small.
20. Writing the book is the easiest part about being a novelist.
There was a time when I was in high school that I really believed I would never finish a novel. I started writing plenty of them, sure, but getting to “THE END” was a brutal test. I thought, if I could just finish what I started, then I would stand a chance.
Now today, I’ve written the first draft of 11 books. Start to finish. And I can say with confidence that writing the book is not the hardest part.
The hardest part is a long list but nowhere on the list is writing the book. Maybe editing the book. Maybe battling self doubt. Sometimes, it’s battling the guilt tactics the cat is using to get pet when you’re just trying to type. It’s also how many times you’re told “no” when you send out query letters and how many times you tell yourself “no” with all that imposter syndrome.
Writing a book is just the beginning.
21. Everyone is just making things up as they go along—even the general “rules” of society.
Did you know the Constitution of the United States was written by people?
I know, crazy, right?
People also made up the rules regarding the schooling system. Or how to plan a wedding. Or traffic systems.
We all only have this one single life. There’s no one who has some absurdly higher qualification because they have lived hundreds of years longer. They too just have this one life.
It’s freeing and terrifying.
22. Almost no one is watching you closely enough to care. And anyone who is, usually, is just self-conscious about themselves.
I think it’s in late middle school that a lot of people start holding their breath. It’s at that point that we become aware of the people around us. We pay attention to what we wear and what it reflects about us. We pay attention to the activities we participate in and how people might judge us for those things.
But if we’re all thinking about ourselves, then who is watching who?
Exactly.
23. Learning new things is way more fun when you’re not being graded.
Like I mentioned before, I read a lot more nonfiction now than I ever did in school. Plus, I’ve spent about a year and a half learning Polish and just jumped into French. I never thought I would try to learn a language, not after taking three years of French in high school and thinking I was bad at it, despite grades that said otherwise.
Learning new things is way more fun when no one is judging you and you can spend the time that you used to spend learning how to present yourself as smart on actually learning.
24. Nice things are far less important than loved things.
My cat Kaz has the special talent of being absolutely unable to avoid destroying my couch.
I bought a sectional this year. It’s my first very nice couch. My first couch was from Target and my second was from Wayfair. This sectional I actually had to go to a furniture store and customize my selection.
I gave up on keeping the cat from clawing my couch about two days into owning it.
Kaz seems to have designated a particular corner of the sectional as his scratching post. He dashes over to it when he’s overwhelmed with emotion when playing and he needs to get it out. Or when I come home and he’s trying to be taller so I pet his head.
And my heart melts. And I know it more important to have this expression of joy and love in him than something like a couch in perfect condition.
25. Keep your home clean. But not so clean that you lose your mind.
The bane of adulthood is that you actually have to do your chores. If you don’t, your mom won’t do them for you. But the second lesson no one warned me about what how to figure out how to stop worrying about cleaning. “Clean enough” is real.
26. I belong among the trees.
One of the most popular “getting to know you questions” is, “Would you rather vacation at the beach or in the mountains?” And as much as I love the waterfront, my response is always mountains. Because I must be among the trees. My apartment has a view of beautiful wild trees. It is now a requirement of wherever I live in the future.
27. The worst thing someone can say, if you ask for something, is no.
This one is weird to learn. I hate asking anyone for anything. A recommendation letter? The worst. A promotion? I’d rather cry in public (and do!). But when you ask the question, “Why?” The answer is, “They might say no.”
So?
That’s the worst case scenario?
That’s survivable.
28. Crying does not, has not, and will never make me weak.
A lot of my report cards growing up reported I could do better at controlling my emotions. I have cried publicly at work before (I try not to but it’s happened). But you know what? It doesn’t make me weak.
I am not strong for holding in my tears. In fact, that’s what makes me very weak. The tears spill out inside me and grief twists me into a creature that no longer believes happiness possible if I dare to hold the tears inside. Crying outside of my body allows me to tell someone else they hurt me, that I’m hurting, and that allows me to let go.
That’s not weakness. That’s knowledge.
Though I would not recommend crying publicly at work if you can avoid it. It still feels pretty yucky when you’re done.
29. Mourning is not one size fits all, not even within a single person.
I keep losing people. Everyone keeps losing everyone. Life is life because someday it ends. And I’m amazed, even in the midst of being distraught, that this ending feels different every single time.
You will never be used to it.
But it means you loved.
And love is all that matters.
…
Even as I am turning 29, I am not under an impression that I am considered aged with experience. But I also no longer feel exceptionally young. I feel both, sometimes. I’ve learned so much and I have so much left to learn. Most of all, I have learned that this is the only life I’ve got. I’m as human as everyone else around me. And if my writing might be able to help you in this journey too, it’s worth it to share.